Since my previous attempt to defy sports blog conventions was met with general derision, I decided to go to the hoariest of sports blog traditions, and kept a running diary of the NBA All Star game.
Remember, y'all, I do this for you. All times are Central.
Pre-Game
- Why aren't the East All Stars smiling? Something Doc said?
- 'Sheed can't dance. LeBron can.
- Good news: Chris Paul refrained from vomiting during the intros.
- No German or Chinese national anthems?
- I still say we should switch our national anthem to "Let's Stay Together"
- The crowd is the opposite of electric. Static? Antiseptic?
- Thank God for Marv Albert. He makes everything better. Reggie Miller? The opposite.
First Quarter
7:49pm What the f is with the East uniforms? Blue in front, white in the back? Yuck.
7:50pm Dwight Howard owning Yao Ming. He hates communism.
7:51pm The dual colors on the uniforms are making me feel like I had a rotten po' boy.
7:54pm Look at Kidd having fun, like a, um, kid?
7:55pm Duncan took a three? Not fundamental!
7:56pm Does America realize Chris Bosh is good? They should.
8:00pm I wonder if Gatorade had to pay Tribe and Lou Reed for that Wade G2 commercial.
8:04pm It's Detroit vs Denver! One of these teams isn't going to the finals. Hint: they play in Denver.
8:08pm Typical All Star game: general sloppiness periodically broken up by brilliance.
8:11pm TO wearing sunglasses inside: proving his douchedom once and for all.
8:14pm The first quarter - so many missed shots and stupid passes. And good dunks.
Second Quarter
8:16pm I think Frank Caliendo did that commercial in blackface as Barkley. Yikes.
8:21pm David West 2-2. Highwaymen!
8:23pm That Chris Paul sure can pass, huh?
8:27pm Kidd airball. Dallas still want a sub-40% shooter?
8:29pm Awesome flurry of points while Sager and Kobe said nothing of import.
8:31pm Howard and James oop-fest 2008!
8:32pm Brandon Roy: not a dunker. Nice guy, though.
8:35pm Creepy TNT harlequin ladies > Fox NFL robots
8:39pm The crowd is deader than Heath Ledger.
8:39pm Too soon?
8:40pm Why 'Sheed rules: left-handed 3. Who shoots with the wrong hand?
8:45pm 'Sheed did it again! And made it!
8:46pm Carlos Boozer = great finisher. Now you know.
First Half summary: lots of scoring, lots of Howard and James. Chris Paul didn't play nervous, 7pts and 6ast.
Halftime Show
- Harry Connick Jr. You were in Hope Floats, so f you.
- Better than LeeAne Rimes and other country acts, though.
- It wouldn't be an All Star game without the Neville brothers! Oh, wait, yes it would.
- Pat Morita > Djimon Hounsou
Third Quarter
9:18pm Yao took a three? That looked, well, weird.
9:20pm Tim Duncan missed a dunk. Not fundamental!
9:22pm Yao just did the Dream Shake. That looked better.
9:23pm Yao took another three. Stop.
9:25pm LeBron James, 19pts 8reb 8ast with 6:30 left in the third. As Skeets would say, whoa boy!
9:27pm The crowd is as lifeless as Paris Hilton's eyes.
9:28pm Joe Johnson is mostly unnecessary.
9:34pm Did Marv just call Paul "Nash"? They don't look alike, Marv.
9:41pm Paul Pierce is still really good, in case people forgot.
Fourth Quarter
9:44pm I bet Pats fans hate that Gatorade "some come up short, some come up Giants" commercial as much as the rest of us love it.
9:48pm Amare dunked on Dwight. Better in-game dunker? Maybe.
9:54pm I'm not texting my MVP vote. Ever.
9:55pm Great steal+assist from Paul - tie game 110-110. Exciting!
9:57pm Loudest crowd moment: James' air ball? WTF?
10:01pm Nash blew his nose on Sager's pocket square. Awesome.
10:03pm Amare is TAKING OVER!
10:05pm Ray Allen can hit from anywhere. And does.
10:09pm Note: Paul and Roy at crunch time. Meet the new bosses.
10:11pm James' drive&dunk - unbelievincredible.
10:12pm Wade blocked Dirk's three - special!
10:13pm F it, I'm texting Filowitz for MVP.
10:15pm Fun game, East wins.
10:18pm Filowitz does not win MVP. LeBron James does. Filowitz is hungry, and is about to cook sausage and peppers. So Filowitz wins!
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3 comments:
For years I have said that, as a society, we don't listen to enough Al Green. And the poem didn't bother me at all. Where else besides TSABP can I get a poem by Keats side-by-side with a question about the inverse proportionality between the size of a woman's truck and the size of her delicates?
Dan, I like your running commentary. I did not get the chance to watch any piece of the All Star weekend...mostly because I was on the road trip from HELL driving to the Poconos with a whiney very preggo wife and a 9 month old. But partly because it's the NBA and I can't recall the last time I watched it... I think KMart and Kittles were on the same team then.... anyway, your minute by minute play by play made me feel like I was right there and experienced all the horror right with you. Thank you. I have just punched myself in the nuts and will now hang myself with my keyboard wire... Good work. I wish you death.
R-I-P-M-V-P-J-E-W!
That was so much more enjoyable than "The Diary of Anne Frank"!!!
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